It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
