White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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