I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
