smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
