I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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