just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
