Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
