I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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