you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
