you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
