Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize