I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
