do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
