I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
