He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
