accomplished twins. life is a go
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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