I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
