The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
