the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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