I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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