Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
