I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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