The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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