My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
