When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
