I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
