Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
