apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Randomize
