I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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