You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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