Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
