Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
