I'm gonna have a badass scar
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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