I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
