When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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