how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
