So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
