We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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