I am midnight drunk by noon
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
not ubering you a puppy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
