my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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