I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My vagina is officially offended.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
