M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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