so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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