Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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