what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
