You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
