You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
