And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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