she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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