i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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