Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
