My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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