Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
