I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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